so long, bloggers

It's been fun while it lasted. You've been a major outlet for me, allowed me to express thoughts I'd kept unsaid, and have been a little piece of history that's helped me learn from the past. For now, I'm letting you go to live my life instead of writing about it. Apologies to those who sometimes remembered to read this blog (Daniel). You still know where to find me.

Lonely men built lonely cities
She worked hard until she was beautiful
Still he noticed nothing unusual, this was his way
He's gonna stay devoted to the project
And she's committed herself to not caring anymore
Her heart wasn't sore, she was sure she had cured

The burden of loving someone
May be better than loving no one

She's lookin' up, her mind says maybe
Or else she's so crazy it's slavery
To begin it again, pick it up from the end
Save the pieces that never gave, never bend
Still, the whole time there's this light
It wont let her say goodnight
Some white beam of hope in the sky
Has her questioning why
Has her constantly tryin' and lyin' inside
Has her hidin' away like some potential bride
Who keeps turnin' her back like the turn of the tide

The burden of loving someone
May be better than loving no one
The burden of loving someone
May be better than loving no one

When you feel what you're feelin' with all of your might
You write down to tell and sing like hell in the night
'Bout the man on your mind when you turn out the light
Who ignited the room when invited inside
Who now is long gone and despite how forthright
Was the song you played just to show how uptight
And embarrassed he made you, your loves stay strong
Convincing words appear backwards and wrong
It just doesn't make sense to want to belong
With a guy who made you all tense and withdrawn
It shows you in the corner where the walls shadows
Silhouette the one you won't let go who hasn't arrived yet
And he won't, you know, you can just forget about him though

The burden of loving someone
May be better than loving no one
The burden of loving someone
May be better than loving no one

I'm not so sure about that, it's not matter of fact
If the world fell in half are you for it
Adoring to kick back, relax, and laugh and deplore
Cursin' all of the fools who exist to implore
Writing books cursing morons who tore
What they swore gave them reasons to be:
I love him, he loves me

And the burden of loving someone
May be better than loving no one
The burden of loving someone
May be better

this is going to be harder than I ever imagined

but it's something I have to do.

I was playing piano with Josh today, a long lost tradition that was more common sophomore year of college. His lyrics are actually the post before this. I just remember playing a new song of his (which is now old) for the first time last summer after everyone came back to Columbia and walking out of FAB to the Augustana concert. I suddenly got this nostalgic, melancholy feeling that came over me. It's so strange to think of where I was last year and where I am now in my life. (This sentence has appeared a lot in my writing, but it's something I always seem to think about at the start and end of the year.) Some parts are the same but others are dramatically different. It's even weirder that at that moment of time, things didn't seem different at all, but over many months this ever present anomaly in various aspects of my life has been suddenly revealed. I don't even know what to write.
In terms of friendships:
I have been dealt a huge loss. It's hard to imagine that you will not be able to share your life with your best friend, someone you thought would be there through it all... with corny jokes to boot. I haven't fully accepted that I may not see them again. I'm so stubborn in that sense, I have to find solutions to the problem even though it's completely out of my hands. I will always be hopeful.
In terms of faith:
I am more curious about God than I have ever been. Religion always seemed like an infinite number of rules, a test on bible verses and the Saints, never a personal relationship but an obligation to attend mass on every Sunday seeing as I had 12 years of Catholic education under my belt. I frequently see how God breathes life, strength, and hope into my friends and I wonder if I will ever have that... That fearless commitment to God and The Word, placing yourself in His all powerful hands. I still have so many questions. I still have my doubts, but I keep reminding myself that if I seek God, He will reveal Himself to me... whether it's months from now, or when I'm 80. Just have to be patient.
In terms of love:
Ah, love... funny little notion that will forever keep me on my toes. July '08 sank in my stomach for months. I was blind-sighted, hurt more than I'd ever been, by someone I knew wasn't capable of committing to me. And I pushed it. I hurt myself more than he hurt me by developing great expectations of this love fueled by chemistry. Forgiveness was the most difficult pill to swallow. With the passing of time the enchantment lifted and I was sparked by another pair of bright eyes. A surprise by design: no instant attraction but a sense that I had known him my entire life. A man with healing hands, kind brown eyes, a warped sense of humor, and the most genuine heart. I cannot say that we haven't had our struggles, but the fact that he isn't afraid to fight for me, pursue me, or love me makes everything worth its weight.
I started this blog because my friends were doing it and I became committed to writing in it because I had never kept a journal before. My writing over the past 18 months has been an in-depth study to help me with the challenges I face in the future. I never imagined that putting your thoughts down for others to read, whether they be stranger or close friend, would be so rewarding and uplifting. I look forward to the day, years from now, when the idea that this blog exists will spark my curiosity to read it and look back on my life in college. For this little piece of technology, I am thankful.

you, oh you

you tie me into knots

break up all those doves in flock

when you talk your Florida talk

please excuse

apologies to you

apologizing for the fact 

that i've been taken aback

and well put quite simply

i don't mind at all

I know what it feels like
I'm not gonna pretend
I'll put up a good fight
Every time you say
You still think that love is
Nothing like it should be
It isn't like the movies
Where everything goes right
In the endings but you are
Something like a flower
Unfolding before me
Underneath the morning light

And I
Can't give up on you
Even if I never win
'Cause this could be a feeling
We'll never find again
Never find again

Don't you say it

The burden of loving someone
May be better than loving no one

goodnight

What if...?
What if is the sinking feeling underneath your skin when hidden memories reach the surface for air. What if cannot be touched, it is not constant or enduring, it is not genuine or fearless. What if is a yearning, it is the greatest risk, it is unwary and relentless.

What if...?
It does not exist.

dimanche secrets

Would you mind if I call u sweetheart?
I found your voice upon my tape
and I was listenin' to you
til I fell asleep it was getting late
and I know it's you out on the sidewalk
I was hoping I would meet
something always hits me
but it ain't concrete beneath my feet
and it's not cold
it's not the heat

is this love? is this it?
if it is I like it
and if it's love
please stay love, don't go away love
don't go away

pehhhpper on your poppycosh?

Mmm pepper. So I haven't had the best week, for reasons I won't mention, but the weather was nice and I was able to enjoy lunch between classes and rediscovered love that was The Format streaming from my headphones. After a three hour Physics lab, I got home and went into the bathroom to find a huge chunk of pepper sitting on the groove along my gum and incisor tooth. I can't imagine how many people in my lab and friends walking by on their way to class that I greeted, looked at me for a second, then didn't know whether to mention something or laugh as I smiled. Needless to say I bent over from laughing until my stomach started to ache and tears were welling in my eyes.

The moral of the story, kiddies is no matter how well you know a person, lend a hand: tell a girl that she's got junk in her grill.

viral gastroenteritis

Hello again! :) So it's safe to say I've been better than my physical state the past week. After getting over an annoying cold, I came down with the stomach flu just before exams. Perfect timing, little bugger. Other than my immune system taking an early spring break, things are going very well. There's something about warmer weather, abandoned sweatshirts, and Sparky's ice cream that lifts your spirits even in the calm before the storm. See you after a full week of impossible exams! Until then, enjoy some tunes and laughs. :)

Look, I know this could use an update but my life has been all kinds of busy. Stick with me. It's coming.

just like mercury

I realize now this is just an illusion.

for the horse's mouth

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Dr. MLK Jr was pretty prophetic in a completely human way.

For those who are unaware, cowardice is not cool. It is not the new black, the hippest trend, or latest thing to do on the weekend. Definitely not cool for significant others and friends alike. I mean, you could totally expect that from someone you're casually dating, but friends who are supposed to be trustworthy and decent individuals? That's a no-no. 

Sometimes I wonder why I care so intensely about the people around me, and why I am frequently experiencing such bad behavior from those (not that I'm counting the whole lot, because there are plenty of incredible souls that have blessed me with their friendship... I'm talking about a select few stinkers) I should be able to rely on, to consult and in turn console me.  I asked my father this same question and aside from the most down-to-earth, honest-to-good advice that he consistently gives me, this answer has stayed with me: It's not that you care too much, it's that these people who you care for do not know how to care for you in return.

Thus, I am accepting friend applications. 

Just kidding, but it's a nice thought...

here's to the new year

In 2008, I gained a better sense of who I could depend on.
I lost a great friend to a girl.
I stopped worrying about the unknown.
I started an addiction to Sparky's chai ice cream, Lost, and David Sedaris.
I was hugely satisfied by taking drawing and rediscovering that passion for art again.
And frustrated by classes.
I am so embarrassed that I started listening to country music... Okay, not really.
Once again, I managed to unknowingly flirt...a lot. It's harmless, right?
Once again, I did not spend too much time studying, oops.
The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is a few more freckles.
The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is my newfound belief that I deserve to be pursued, respected, and loved.
I loved spending time living with my incredible best friends in the dorms and then in our tiny apartment.
Why did I spend even two minutes resurrecting the past? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I should have spent more time snoozing in the am than playing shenanigans at the boys house, being crazy with my girls, or having late night conversations about nothing... But I wouldn't take back a single second of sleep lost.
I regret buying things I did not need.
I will never regret buying gas for those memorable road trips to Columbia and KC even though with that money I could have bought tickets to shows that were less expensive.
I lived on Starbucks way too much.
I didn’t get to spend enough time knowing Paulina.
Acting like I wasn't upset sometimes drove me crazy.
The most relaxing place I went was Castlewood park... even biking fast through the woods can clear your mind.
Why did I go to tailgate at the Reactor with Liz halfway through football games? Then again, I would have never met Aaron.
The best thing I did for someone else was be there for them even if I couldn't in presence.
The best thing I did for myself was focusing on myself, my desires, and my goals.
The best thing someone did for me was tell me the truth.
The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is build my relationship with God.