I was playing piano with Josh today, a long lost tradition that was more common sophomore year of college. His lyrics are actually the post before this. I just remember playing a new song of his (which is now old) for the first time last summer after everyone came back to Columbia and walking out of FAB to the Augustana concert. I suddenly got this nostalgic, melancholy feeling that came over me. It's so strange to think of where I was last year and where I am now in my life. (This sentence has appeared a lot in my writing, but it's something I always seem to think about at the start and end of the year.) Some parts are the same but others are dramatically different. It's even weirder that at that moment of time, things didn't seem different at all, but over many months this ever present anomaly in various aspects of my life has been suddenly revealed. I don't even know what to write.
In terms of friendships:
I have been dealt a huge loss. It's hard to imagine that you will not be able to share your life with your best friend, someone you thought would be there through it all... with corny jokes to boot. I haven't fully accepted that I may not see them again. I'm so stubborn in that sense, I have to find solutions to the problem even though it's completely out of my hands. I will always be hopeful.
In terms of faith:
I am more curious about God than I have ever been. Religion always seemed like an infinite number of rules, a test on bible verses and the Saints, never a personal relationship but an obligation to attend mass on every Sunday seeing as I had 12 years of Catholic education under my belt. I frequently see how God breathes life, strength, and hope into my friends and I wonder if I will ever have that... That fearless commitment to God and The Word, placing yourself in His all powerful hands. I still have so many questions. I still have my doubts, but I keep reminding myself that if I seek God, He will reveal Himself to me... whether it's months from now, or when I'm 80. Just have to be patient.
In terms of love:
Ah, love... funny little notion that will forever keep me on my toes. July '08 sank in my stomach for months. I was blind-sighted, hurt more than I'd ever been, by someone I knew wasn't capable of committing to me. And I pushed it. I hurt myself more than he hurt me by developing great expectations of this love fueled by chemistry. Forgiveness was the most difficult pill to swallow. With the passing of time the enchantment lifted and I was sparked by another pair of bright eyes. A surprise by design: no instant attraction but a sense that I had known him my entire life. A man with healing hands, kind brown eyes, a warped sense of humor, and the most genuine heart. I cannot say that we haven't had our struggles, but the fact that he isn't afraid to fight for me, pursue me, or love me makes everything worth its weight.
I started this blog because my friends were doing it and I became committed to writing in it because I had never kept a journal before. My writing over the past 18 months has been an in-depth study to help me with the challenges I face in the future. I never imagined that putting your thoughts down for others to read, whether they be stranger or close friend, would be so rewarding and uplifting. I look forward to the day, years from now, when the idea that this blog exists will spark my curiosity to read it and look back on my life in college. For this little piece of technology, I am thankful.